I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
