what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
