dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
