we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
