She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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