I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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