Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
