i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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