So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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