my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
