fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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