The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
