Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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