I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
it glows. i had to have it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
