If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
