I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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