If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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