Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
