How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
