That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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