Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
