I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
