My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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