I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize