Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
