yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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