Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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