I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
