The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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