I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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