I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just gift wrapped bread.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
