She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize