Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
