She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
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She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
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That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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