I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Banned from zoo.
Again?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
