Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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