I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i believe in u and ur pee
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
