and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
