Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
