I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
