i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
