Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
