K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
