I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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