Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
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