it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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