You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize