he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
