I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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