I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
