On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
