When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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