Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
