I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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