If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
