I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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