the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
