I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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