I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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